I recently watched a colleague meticulously audit her professional network. She color-coded her contacts: green for "adds value," yellow for "neutral," red for "drains energy." By the end, she'd decided to "cut ties" with anyone who wasn't actively advancing her career.

"I'm being intentional about who sharpens me," she said, citing the proverb iron sharpens iron.

I understood the impulse. We're drowning in advice about optimizing our inner circles, curating relationships like investment portfolios, and cutting off anyone "not additive." The corporate world has turned iron sharpens iron into a transactional directive: find the most accomplished people, stay close to them, eliminate everyone else.

But that's not what the proverb means. And that's not how sharpening works.

The people who sharpened me most weren't strategic additions to my network. My first job bagging groceries in high school taught me more about dignity and boundaries than many prestigious roles that followed. It wasn’t my dream job but my parents knew it would teach me how to read and treat people and handle pressure. They were right.

True sharpening isn't something you manufacture through careful curation. It's something you awaken to in what life already presents you.

Know Yourself First, Or Your A** Is Flapping in the Wind

My father had a phrase for people who moved through the world without conviction: "Your ass is flapping in the wind."

It meant you're working hard, staying busy, reacting to everything - but you're not tethered to anything real. You're adapting to whatever pressure comes your way without asking if that adaptation serves you.

I watch this happen constantly. A leader stops speaking up because it never changes anything. A manager mimics a boss they don't respect because that's what gets rewarded. None of it feels like betrayal in the moment. It feels like survival, like maturity, like learning how things work.

But here's the truth: You cannot be sharpened if you don't know what you stand for.

Sharpening requires something solid to strike against. If you've adapted yourself into a void - chasing likability over integrity, approval over clarity - there's nothing for the iron to sharpen. You're just being ground down.

I've never sought to be liked. I move through the world being kind and considerate, but with boundaries - clear boundaries. When I was voted "best personality" in high school, I was genuinely surprised. I wasn't performing for that recognition. I was being myself, opinionated, clear about what mattered to me, comfortable with my preferences.

That's the foundation. Not arrogance. Not inflexibility. But knowing what you want, what you believe, and what you won't compromise on. When you have that internal grounding, you can recognize what sharpens you versus what just wears you down.

Awakening to What Life Presents

Once you know yourself, sharpening becomes less about finding the right people and more about noticing what's already happening around you.

It's not prescriptive. You're not looking for someone to sharpen you in one specific way. It's multi-dimensional. It evolves. And often, neither person can fully articulate what's happening - you just know.

Sometimes it's a friend who challenges your thinking. Sometimes it's someone who catches what you glossed over and celebrates it. You hang up the phone and you feel better - steadier, clearer, more yourself. That's sharpening.

But it's not just people. It's circumstances. Situations that create friction and force you to either step up or fall away. What have you had to go through that made you stronger? A difficult work situation that revealed capabilities you didn't know you had. A family dynamic that taught you boundaries. A crisis that demanded you find resources within yourself you'd never tapped.

Even a stranger can sharpen you. The cab driver who offhandedly says the thing you needed to hear. The colleague who models integrity in a small moment. You weren't looking for a mentor, but life presented a lesson, and you were awake enough to receive it.

This is the reframe: Dozens of forces are sharpening you right now. You don't need to manufacture them. You need to notice them.

Evolution and Natural Separations

Here's what most people miss: What sharpens you changes because you change.

We're not static. We move through life phases, leaving home, starting careers, getting married, having children, losing parents, facing health challenges. Each milestone reshapes us. The relationship that carried you through your twenties might dull you in your forties. The job that once stretched you becomes a place where you're just maintaining.

I think about my grammar school friend. We were close in seventh grade. By twelfth grade, we'd drifted. By now, we're completely different people living different lives. That's not failure. That's honest acknowledgment that we evolved in different directions.

I don't get hurt feelings about this. It's really hard to hurt my feelings about natural separations. When I went to Kellogg, I chose to be there, met interesting people, and when the program ended, few of the friendships lasted though we might have stayed connected for professional reasons. No harm, no foul. We greeted each other warmly and sincerely at the reunions every 5 years.

We follow a cultural script that says ending a relationship requires a grievance. We think we need a fight or a justification. But you don't owe “a connection” your future just because it owns a piece of your past. You owe that connection, and yourself, honesty. And sometimes the most honest thing is acknowledging: “This has run its course.”

Legacy relationships carry a cost. Staying committed out of obligation rather than mutual growth dulls both parties. When you're comfortable with natural evolution - when you can say "I'm not doing that again" after a draining encounter without needing to explain yourself - you create space for what actually serves your current self.

Being the Iron That Sharpens

Now flip the lens.

We spend so much time asking who is sharpening us that we forget to ask: Who am I sharpening?

If you're a leader, this is actually your job. Not to have all the answers, but to be solid enough in yourself that your presence changes the room. To model what good looks like. To develop the people under you - something rarely in job descriptions but essential to real leadership.

I'm big on reciprocity at work (and in life). Not transactional scorekeeping, but genuine mutual investment. If I've been a good leader, you're a damn good soldier - not because I ordered you to be, but because the clarity of my presence demanded it of you.

This requires the same self-knowledge we started with. Leaders who are still chasing validation, who haven't done the work of knowing their worth, can't sharpen others. They're too busy managing their own insecurity to offer anyone else a solid edge to strike against.

But when you're grounded—when you know what you stand for and you're not flapping in the wind—you become the person others sharpen themselves against. Not through force, but through integrity. Your boundaries teach boundaries. Your clarity inspires clarity. Your willingness to evolve gives others permission to evolve.

The Practice: 2026

So as this year begins, resist the urge to audit and optimize your circle.

Instead, practice awakening:

Notice what's already sharpening you. The people who make you feel steadier when you hang up the phone. The situations that demand you show up more fully. The friction that's uncomfortable but instructive. Pay attention to what makes you feel more yourself, not less.

Know what you stand for. Get clear on your non-negotiables. What matters to you? What do you want? Not what looks good or what others expect, what do you actually value? This is your anchor.

Let natural separations happen. Not everything needs to last forever. Some relationships were meant for a season. Honor what they gave you, and release them without needing a story about why.

Be the iron. Ask yourself: Who am I sharpening? What am I modeling? Am I solid enough in myself that my presence helps others become more solid in themselves?

The sharpening is already happening. You just have to feel it.
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Sending love and light,

Ginny